Written by: Ray Butler

Life is void of meaning. We come into this world as nothing and with nothing and we leave as nothing and with nothing.

Hello darkness, my old friend. We are thru five weeks (~23%) of the LORG regular season. Some of you are perfectly happy and completely content with how things have gone so far. Some of us are currently incapable of being happy for more than a few minutes at a time before we crash-land into a jungle of emptiness; these same people agree that 23% has never seemed so large and insurmountable.

At this point, you might be expecting a more cheerful paragraph that dives into the thought that it’s a long season and the notion that hope still abounds because there’s plenty of baseball yet to be played. I don’t have it in me today.

It’s rivalry week in the League of Ruthless Gentlemen. Here’s what the projections say will happen between the six pairs of *hated* rivals:

(Note: Beginning this week, I’m going to refer to teams by their owner’s name instead of the team name. It’s simply easier and should be an easier read for you.)

South Correa vs. Logan’s Heroes- Projection: South Correa wins 9-4-1

This week will be payback for all the times that John was denied the opportunity to spend the night with a friend or forced to drink with a cup that had a lid on it even though he was old enough to have a normal cup. Every publicly embarrassing moment John has ever suffered at the hand of his pops. Now’s your chance, John. Leave your mark. (But really, Bobby has mostly cruised through the first quarter of the season with Chase Headley (!) as his third baseman. Not to mention he still rosters Francisco Rodriguez even though he has two other closers! Baseball, man.)

Sausage Party vs. Very Good Team- Projection: Very Good Team wins 9-4-1

Hey Adam, do you remember all those times Caleb smacked you on or around the face-area and you didn’t know why? Remember all those times that Caleb was just a little bit faster and stronger than you? Remember when he got to do things you weren’t allowed to and you threw a temper tantrum? Welcome back, buddy. It’s going to be a rough week for you.

Joe Buck Yourself vs. A Krismas Party- Projection: A Krismas Story wins 9-4-1

McKinnon is winner of the “Hey, I’m friends with a guy who had a really good fantasy team the season before we started rivalry games but now he’s rebuilding and his active roster is the equivalent of Mississippi State’s performance against Auburn this past football season” sweepstakes on rivalry week. But listen… Van’s plentiful farm system is slowly beginning to trickle players into the big leagues. Cody Bellinger has already had a gigantic impact on Van’s lineup, and he’s just now unpacking his bags in Los Angeles. Van should get better and better throughout the season. That doesn’t, however, mean that he’ll magically begin winning matchups. For now, anyways.

Mookie Monsters vs. Super Gurriel Bros- Projection: Mookie Monsters wins 9-4-1

Yeah, I’ve got next to nothing on how this is a unique rivalry week matchup. It’s probably the highest quality game of the week, though, featuring two dudes who know what they’re doing in the world of fantasy baseball. What’s scary is that Gregg is coming off a week that he had 81 TBs and a .318 OBP. He won 9-4. Matt has basically done to the haters this season what Allen Iverson did to Tyronn Lue in the 2001 NBA Finals (hopefully, you recall the video of AI hitting a contested jumper over Lue in the corner, then stepping over him on his way back down the court). Matt won’t make this easy on Gregg.

The Disabled List vs. SeagerShine- Projection: The Disabled List wins 10-4-0

Has anyone else been #shook by the lack of hatred between Zach and Frank lately? Has engagement made Frank soft? Has the impending graduation from college made Zach soft? Let’s hope that the first rivalry week of 2017 will renew the volume of obscenities in the GroupMe. Zach has had a great regular season so far; he’s staved off a couple of injuries and has outscored opponents 24-2 the past two weeks (hello). Frank has had a surprising amount of success this season (until he doubted my projections and only beat Van by two points last week). I expect there to be a little wackiness in this matchup, but Zach will eventually continue on his hot streak.

The Benintendi 64s vs. The Magnificent 7-7s- Projection: The Benintendi 64s wins 8-4-2

The rivalry that’s apparent logic was “Hey, those two guys are the two newest members of the league. They should be rivals!” Now we’re a season removed from picking rivals, and Ben and I are no longer the newest members of LORG. Oh well. Also, that’s right, we’ve got a #rebrand on the team name. Don’t worry, it’s only a seatwarmer until Noah Syndergaard returns to his rightful throne. Unless I start winning, of course, and then I’m a genius for changing my team name. I honestly laughed when the projections spit out this score. I’m not sure I’m capable of beating anyone by four points right now. Ben has his team back over .500 after a convincing win over Adam. I know the projection says what it says, but I honestly think this would could go either way (perhaps we’ll even tie).

Here’s what our updated standings projection looks like……

Rank	Team	Win	Loss	Tie	%	% ∆	GB
1	Mookie Monsters	200	91	17	.687	+.011	—
2	South Correa	180	108	20	.625	-.032	18.5
3	The Disabled List	165	129	14	.561	+.030	36.5
4	The Benintendi 64s	163	130	15	.556	-.037	38
5	Very Good Team	159	132	17	.546	-.031	41
6	Super Gurriel Bros	158	137	13	.536	+.029	44
7	A Krismas Story	158	138	12	.534	E	44.5
8	The Magnificent 7-7s	143	154	11	.481	+.022	60
9	Logan’s Heroes	138	157	13	.468	+.009	64
10	Sausage Party	107	188	13	.363	-.011	95
11	SeagerShine	104	191	13	.353	+.026	98
12	Joe Buck Yourself	82	210	16	.281	-.029	118.5

As you can see, there was some moving and shaking, most notably Zach making a big jump in the standings. The battle for seeds 3-6 could be epic.

Most Overachieving Team: The Disabled List (Now projected to win 9 games more than original projection)

Most Underachieving Team: The Benintendi 64s (Now projected to win 9 fewer games than original projection)